It's been a long time...

Wow. I almost forgot I even had this thing! So much has happened since my last post. I can't even believe I was flying just a few years ago. Time has went so fast, I am amazed I will be a senior in college this year! I'm so excited and so nervous all at the same time. As I look back over these last couple of years, a few words come to mind: growth, learning, trials, and dependence. The amount of personal growth since I have been at LeTourneau is enormous. The girl who came freshman year has been shaped and molded into many different things. I thought when I came here that I understood life. I thought I had things figured out: major, occupation, relationships with both sexes. Truth is, I was clueless. I felt like I ate so many of my words I had spoken in my high school days. My life was seriously turned for a loop in so many different ways. Lisa's death was hard on all our family. It was the first real loss I think we felt. It brought our families closer in some sense, though we miss her terribly. Sometimes I think about Lisa. God was probably so pleased with her. She understood something that I still don't get at times. She was sold out for God. She loved him with all her heart and everything she did and said reflected a desire to share the love of God. She understood the purpose as a daughter of Christ, to be filled with him, to pour out onto others, and to spread the word of God's excellencies. I hope that one day, I can truly understand that and live my life in the same sense as Lisa, as wanting nothing more than to be with her Savior.

Another large change in my life came from dating Dave. I never had a boyfriend until him, and it wasn't necessarily the easiest first one. Dave opened my eyes to many things. I have grown so much because of him; even if it meant some heart aches along the way, I would never trade one day of my relationship with him. He has helped me see my own beauty, both inside and out. He has shown me a different perspective of following Jesus that I had never been exposed to before and encouraged me to dig deeper. He has helped me become a stronger woman and fight against things that aren't good for my life, like drinking for example. He has also helped encourage me to stand up for myself. I have become more confident and more assertive with Dave's help (and most certainly God as well!).

When I went on spring break to South Padre Island, we had the chance to talk to people about life. This place was such a party scene, it was as if it was straight out of MTV. I have never seen so many drunk people in the same area in my life. I must admit that at first I had no idea why I was going on this trip. I thought to myself, I kind of want to be drinking, wearing my bikini, and dancing on the beach with those people. Boy did God change my thinking on that one! By the end of the week, I was so burdened for these college students. So many of them spent the entire week drunk. One girl said, "You avoid hangovers by getting drunk as soon as you wake up and feel somewhat sober. At the end of the week, you just lay in your room with all the lights off for awhile and eventually feel better." People were giving themselves away, women were getting raped because they were throwing themselves at guys and entering into wet t-shirt contests. Girls were flashing guys in cars and on the beach only to get a pair of 10 cent, plastic beads that will eventually be thrown away. Guys were waking up without their wallets because they were so high on ecstasy the night before, they lost everything, and people had no other goal other than to get completely wasted and party til they don't remember. It sickened me. We were up crazy hours giving people rides, telling them we loved them and God loved them. I got to talk to some girls about the responsibility we women have to be classy women and not make it so easy for a guy to take advantage of us. This girl had gotten raped right after her wet t-shirt contest and I know in my heart that she was not in the slightest innocent. Don't get me wrong, a man should never ever take something that doesn't belong to him, but if a girl is waving it in front of his face, how much more difficult is it for a guy to leave it alone. It saddened me so much because I know why that girl did what she did. She so craved being desired that she put herself on a stage to show off her body. If only she understood that her beauty and desirability didn't come from her body alone and that she will get attention without seducing a guy, she never would have gotten raped or even entered into the contest. God has really been stirring in my heart a passion for women. Sophomore year, I helped out at this event called The Cry. It was all about raising awareness for sex trafficking. I acted as a girl in a hostel and shared a testimony from a girl in the States. It was an extremely sad and gut wrenching story about a girl who was gang raped and sold on Craig's list for sex. This event started to spur me to help women out, but I don't want to put all the blame on the men. In some situations, like the girl who's testimony I gave, men just take advantage just to be sick perverts, but other situations, women flaunt themselves, wanting to be sought after sexually but then if the guy gets too close to actually doing something about it, they try to get out of it and "get raped." What would happen if all the women who really just wanted to be desired would choose other ways to do it? If girls stopped putting all their value in what they look like and what they think is sexy, guys would start desiring other traits. I just want to tell these girls that they won't go unnoticed! I hope God can use my heart for these women in some way.

There is so much else I'm seeking to know too, like how to tell the difference between the Spirit's prompting and my own thoughts, and what is truth? What is the right interpretation of the Bible? What is truth in situations? How do I take a situation and decipher through my opinions, the opinion of the other person I am arguing with, the opinions of a third party, and the truth/desires God has in store? I want to act in a way that is pleasing to the Lord and a way that reflects him. I don't mind that I won't necessarily be friends with everyone, but I want to be sure that I don't just disregard someone I should be helping get better in a spiritual sense. How do I choose between being close friends with someone and doing the right thing for her and me spiritually? I found that I didn't know all the deepness of hurts in my friend's life, and because of that, she ended up being on a different page than I was in certain areas. So, do I stay friends with her? My tendency is to pull away from the situation. It's hard. I don't want to step in and take over God's position of speaking into her life but I don't want to be negligent to someone I was really close with. What happens when she is disliked by my other friends? Like she doesn't treat some of them very well. Do you know how hard it is to be friends with people who hate each other? It is a constant battle of who I am going to hang out with, when all I really wanted was to be with both. I'm struggling with girl friends in college...that's never been a struggle for me in the past, but for some reason, I haven't maintained a close friend. Maybe it's me and I think too much. Maybe it's just bad luck. Maybe I have terrible judgement. Maybe God is just using this time to get to me and make me depend on him. I don't really know but I sure do want to figure it all out.

Anyway, I am rambling now..I will be done for tonight. Pray for me, whoever reads this, that I can hear the Holy Spirit God has promised us and that I know what God wants me to do in my difficult situations. Pray I do what is right and not what I feel. Pray that I'll love and forgive and that the people I love would be able to as well. It's almost two now, so I'm going to leave. Goodnight world. Thank you, God, for having new mercies every morning. I'm very much looking forward to them tomorrow. :)